Breaking news.

A team of the world’s leading male academics, scientists, and doctors have spent a hella lotta time and money researching what women want… and they have made an astonishing discovery.

It turns out that by the mathematical transitive property…
Women are people… And people appreciate being asked before and during things being all up in their business…
Therefore… if you want to know what a woman wants… just ask her!

That’s right. Another news flash. We live in a patriarchal society that insidiously seeps into every aspect of our lives… and our beds.

Let’s think about this. Look at any reference dick.tionary to learn about the language around sex. First of all, the word ‘vagina’ literally means a sheath for a sword… when it’s actually the source of all swords. Also, slang names for sex, such as ‘nailing’ and ‘screwing’ and ‘banging’ all imply that sex is something being done to a woman… and violently too. And why is it assumed that sex is finished as soon as the man is finished… and that if the man isn’t finished sex isn’t finished. When’s the last time a man had to ask after sex to make him cum?

If you’re a virgin to good sex… this one’s for you.

This is my first rodeo

This is my first rodeo
And I didn’t cum for no mechanical bull
You want to ride for a quarter
You can’t have your milk and defeat it too fool
And you better remember I’m somebody’s daughter
I didn’t cum for no cruel cow boy
Who has to take down another
To be his mamas pride and joy
I want a real lover raised right
Who knows when it’s really right to love and to fight
I didn’t cum for no boy who doesn’t care
About me or my body
I didn’t cum for no boy who don’t dare
Take accountability for how he acts
And rides bareback
That’s whack
I want a stallion who mans up in the sack
I didn’t cum for no poser in plaid
I want a lumberjack who knows how to use an axe and how to put it down
I didn’t cum to go to jackhammer town
Nailing and screwing are archaic terms
Meaning something being done to someone
But I don’t think that nail is having much fun
So stop trying to build a house
And start trying to milk that cow
I didn’t cum for you up on your high horse
Get down on the ground
I want to see you cry
If you shut me out
Cowboy bye
Whoa there cowboy
Don’t get too cocky
You may finish first
But you’ll be a loser to me
Here’s a handy recipe
I’ll want to eat
Three tongue tacos for every one meat
And don’t sail on dry seas
Wait til I’m soaking wet
On my knees begging please
Pretend I’m a wild cat you’re trying to pet
Not a dog on a leash
And don’t touch my pussy yet
And I gotta say
Don’t forget to ask for consent consent consent
Every step of the way
Tho let me ask you now
How you gonna get consent from a cow
Who has been taught to be tied down
And doesn’t know how to say no
Unless there’s a clear YES just don’t
And I promise you if you think you’re good and especially if you say you’re good
You’re probably not
Because the only way to get good is to listen
And every one and every time is different
Love above the archaic antiquated act
That leaves us upside down on our backs
All you gotta do is ask what we want you to do
And know we don’t usually want to be used
But maybe you do
You know I could rope you if you wanted me to
Sometimes I wonder why I want to go to a rodeo
Maybe it will be fun
But if you’re a bad cowboy
I feel bad for you son
But I’ve got 99 dildos
And a bitch aint one

# Suck my dick.tionary bitches

Mix together a dash of capitalism, a dash of colonialism, a dash of imperialism with some whipped egg whites and a heaping spoonful of ego.

Are you a spiritual vampire who feeds on positive vibes only?

Do you burn in the sun?

Well guess what bro… this one’s for you.

Instant Mashed Potatoes

They say that spirituality is
Praying to god while you peel potatoes
Or just peeling potatoes

For those of you who seek a spiritual life
Can’t you see that the key is simply doing what’s right

Can’t you see it’s so convenient
To get a free expensive pass to the top of your class
A fast track to the top of the mountain
You downward dog looking down on
Those walking on the ground

And convenience is an illusion
That’s been bought and sold
Like instant mashed potatoes
But you still have to boil water
Which is almost all you have to do to make mashed potatoes anyway

And I’d rather have my hands harvesting in the earth
Than the illusion of being a brilliant chef eating instant watered down mush

But that’s capitalism and colonialism for you
And no that’s not another name for god

# A recipe for disaster

Suck my Independence D.

I’m sorry to have to say this… but the 4th of July sucks.

Here are 4 reasons why…

1. This day is a celebration of one colonizing country declaring independence from another colonizing country on stolen land.  This country was birthed from white supremacy and slaughter and built on the backs of slaves.
2. This aggression and repression continues to this day in so many ways.  There are children in cages at the border… Need I say more.
3. Patriotism is a gateway drug to fascism.
4. ‘Freedom’ in this context refers to the freedom to remain ignorant to the fact that our ‘freedom’ is a direct consequence of the subjugation of other countries and peoples.
5. Fireworks are terrible for the environment and terrifying to traumatized people and animals.
6. There are so many more than 4…

The good news is that this day is also about REVOLUTION!

We won’t be free until we are all free.

Until then, can we please find another excuse to BBQ?

#Peace, liberty and justice FOR ALL

All my poems converged and evolved into medicine for the community.

When we heal a sickness in ourselves it heals it in the world.

What’s Your Medicine

We’ve got 2020 vision
We can see but we can’t breathe
We’ve stepped into the future with the weight of our grief
They say it lives in our lungs
Born from the first breath we breathe
As we come from the beauty of the stars and the sea

It’s 2020
And we can see but we can’t breathe
Just when we think we’re on the brink of being past our peak
We gotta stay connected or we’ll spread the disease
Isolation and separation are merely illusions to me
In this country where we think we’re independent and free
I declare interdependence is the way to peace and liberty
And justice for ALL

It’s 2020
And we can see but we can’t breathe
Until the police take a step off our necks
We will take to the streets
Until we can see clearly that
The reflection of you is me and me is you
I can’t win if it means you lose
We are birds of a feather
Our liberation’s bound together
And nobody will be free
Until there’s peace and liberty
And justice for ALL

It’s 2020
And we can see but we can’t breathe
We need a well sharpened knife to cut clean through the bullshit
The toxic myths
The privilege
The insanity
The inequality
The supremacy
The hypocrisy
The apartheid
The genocide
We may not be responsible for these things
Tho we are responsible to our own healing
Of these vicious lies
And to the truth that
We are all colonized
Our land, our bodies and our minds
The only thing that hasn’t been colonized is this
Our hearts and our voices
So let’s make the right choices
To heal this this insidious sickness that’s seeped inside all of us
And be well again
And be fed again
We can be the medicine
And heal this oppression
Inside of ourselves and the world

So this is a song
For the truth that’s unspoken
But we feel it
So much is broken
How can we heal it
And what does it mean
To be broken pieces of the war machine
Turning in tic toc time
The burning fire rages
But behind the disguise are
Broken birds building broken cages
And dying canaries in the coal mine
But I know why the caged bird sings and cries
Let freedom ring and flags fly
For broken bodies under blood red skies
For broken spirits, hearts and minds
For broken truths lost behind lies
For our true word
In our divine birds
Begging to be free and fly

It’s 2020
And we can see but we can’t breathe
So with the spark
Of leaves from the tops of the tallest trees
Of leaves of tender fury
Of leaves telling new stories
We will all be wildfire and free
Seeds that can’t be buried
Prayers that can be carried
By the smoke to the sky
So rise and fly
Oh phoenixes from the ashes
Rise
Oh diamond hearts
Till the glass shatters
Rise
Oh humble human
You don’t get to choose whose life matters
Rise
Oh songbirds
Sing your song
Because silence is violence and it’s gone on for too long
And they say what makes you a human being
Is the willingness to sing another one free

We’ve got 2020 vision
And we can see but we can’t breathe
We’re all trying to survive
Reaching out to the other side
Only to find that on the other side of the mirror
There is no other
Only the shadows
Where the light won’t shine
Like the side of the moon we can’t see
But it is still there
Like the secret in the story
But we were always aware
Like we finally found the key
But it was always there
Like a glimpse into the great mystery
On the other side of the veil
Where there is no other
No wrong or right
Only one mother
No black or white
Only all the colors
No need to fight
Only one
And all that can be reflected is light

And if you can see the beauty in the reflection
Then look to the stars whose reflection it is
Look to our hearts for resurrection like this
Look to the sunshine that lights the moon that turns the tides
Look up to the skies and the birds flying by
Look up past the overpass
Past the cars running on the remnants of dinosaurs
And everything that came before
From the core of the earth and her beating, bleeding heart
And ask yourself this question
What’s your medicine?

# Where do we want to be at the beginning and end of the rainbow?

In Oakland, land of the oaks, a spark that has long been smouldering has the fuel to burst into flames!

The vid aint got nothin on this sickness.

It’s 2020 people.

We are living in the future.

Ya basta!  Enough is enough!

Wake up.

Eat these words.

We’ve got 2020 vision
We can see but we can’t breathe
We’ve stepped into the future with the weight of our grief
They say it lives in our lungs
Born from the first breath we breathe

It’s 2020
And we can see but we can’t breathe
Just when we think we’re on the brink
Of being past our peak
We gotta stay connected or we’ll spread the disease
It’s ironic you see that it lives in our lungs
With the weight of our grief
Isolation and separation are merely illusions to me
In this country where we think we’re independent and free
I declare interdependence is the way to peace and liberty
And justice for ALL

# Happy Juneteenth

Well thanks to the grace of some seriously strong warriors and a tornado…

I surrender.

This is the only poem I really ever want to read or write anymore.

And it’s more of an anthology and a living work of art that I’ll always been adding to.

So prepare yourself for an anti-oppression lesson in the form of a poem.

Dear white people

We fucked up
And now it’s time
To do what’s right
And write a rhyme

We are all colonized
Our land, our bodies and our minds
The only thing that hasn’t been colonized is this
And our voices
So lets make the right choices

Let me start by saying
If you are perceived and privileged as a white person please try to hear this and feel this to help heal this insidious sickness that seeped inside all of us
And by healing this in ourselves we help heal this in the world
So please see this is an opportunity
And hear this theory
Supremacy is the source of so many problems
And we can help solve them
And while we may not be responsible for it we are responsible to it
Because whether or not we want it
We are still benefiting from it
And for everyone else, if this feels offensive or insensitive please feel free to stop me and I’ll humbly rethink and rewrite this story

This isn’t reverse racism
That doesn’t make sense
Reverse racism is really self defense
And being mean doesn’t mean the same thing when it doesn’t lead to real violence against people who are already oppressed and who the power systems in place are already against
And words mean things like triggers of guns pointed at human beings
And I don’t mean to be mean
I’m just trying to take a wrench to this broken machine

When I say white I’m talking about a culture more than a color
And I don’t mean to put people in boxes that identify and define them and discount their differences
But it’s already being done
I’m just calling it out
And flipping it around

Also just because you got a DNA test
And you’re another race one percent
Doesn’t mean you can claim that identity
And dismiss other people’s reality
We just can’t understand what it’s like be a POC descendant of slavery in the context of this country
But I do encourage all of us to explore our true roots to fill ourselves up so we can be strong enough to know ourselves so we can know another

We say we don’t see color
But that’s because we aren’t forced to face this on a daily basis like everyone else has to
So it’s a privilege and pretentious to pretend to forget this elephant in the room
So we better take off our glasses
We’ve been blind to true beauty
And it’s time to learn to see
So we can be free again
And then we can all be one
One family under one sun
But until that day comes
We better shut the fuck up

We fucked up and now it’s time for us to do what is right

Here’s a history lesson to help us remember
The short story is basically that this country started when some bros and bullies stumbled upon it searching for the freedom to make a big mess without cleaning it up… then they killed and slaved most of the indigenous people… then they stole more slaves… then they stole most of the world’s stuff… and now they are building a big wall to keep people from taking it back
Or even more simply… genocide, genocide, apartheid
And this country continues these cycles of oppression
Hence its obsession with military aggression and repression

So now for the question
Why are rich countries rich
Because poor countries are poor
And because of war
And what are we even fighting for

We celebrate Columbus day
But one day we will pay
Like lost children in never never land
Never never gonna be our land
Even when we think the thanksgiving tables have turned
The sun has a plan
One word… sunburn
To celebrate Columbus Day I like to get lost in a grocery store looking for spices and then take whatever I want without paying for it
Is it looting or is it patriotic
Apparently the answer to this question depends on the color of your skin

We fucked up and now it’s time for us to do what is right

White people
Maybe you manifested it
Maybe it’s white privilege

It’s a privilege to be a winner
In a game that’s rigged
Noone wins
When we’re playing dirty
Like we started monopoly an hour early
And when everyone else comes in it’s half way done
It’s no fair or fun
Just saying by the time someone wins we’re all tired of playing

It’s a privilege to have the illusion of independence
When we’re all interdependent
And connected
There is no separate
There is no other
On the other side of the mirror

It’s a privilege to have a philosophical debate about politics and ethics and to think we’re entitled to our opinion when other people’s lives depend on it

Not to mention the way white people love to be offended and think our defensiveness is making a difference

And there’s one thing that offends us for sure
And that’s poor grammar
We think we should be the authority on how the world should speak
And we think learning English must be easy
Otherwise that would mean that our bilingual nanny was smarter than we are
And that just can’t be

And why does it seem like the more money we have to spare
The less likely we are to share
Like having our family stay at a hotel when they visit
We’re the only ones who do that shit

And even Tracy Chapman must know
That only white people drive fast cars alone
Seriously most of the world stuffs cars full like clowns
Only we’re the fools
Calling two people a legal carpool

And only white people shop at antique stores
Because we can afford to look back at the past
But there’s nothing less funny than a joke book from the 1920s… except maybe a joke book from the 1820s… or 1720s… or 1620s… or 1520s

We fucked up and now it’s time for us to do what is right

White people
We think we’re so cool when we listen to old school black music that black people used to listen to
Like jazz and blues
But isn’t it rude that we have music with African roots that most African Americans don’t even have access to
Like the banjo yo
And we all know Elvis stole the Afro soul

Also just saying
White people music is mostly complaining
While most other music is celebrating
And at concerts we seem to be standing still or swaying
Like seaweed blowing in the breeze
In the cool calm sea
Longing to be free
To flow and let go
But afraid to lose control
Because we only know how to hold ourselves tightly
Until it’s suffocating
And our heart stops beating and here we are swaying to the beat of our own drum
Still praying for the syncopated rhythm of our symbiotic liberation

We fucked up and now it’s time for us to do what is right

Also white people throw the worst parties
Where we all indulge in extremely extravagant shit at the expense of the earth and everything on it
Speaking of which
Why are we so desensitized that everything has to be so extreme
Like at all these parties where good company isn’t enough
We need LSD and lasers and burlesque and buttplugs
And the other day I saw a bag of ‘extreme doritos’ with a flaming dorito on fire
As if doritos aren’t extreme enough
As if nothing is sacred anymore
And we have forgotten that everything is sacred
It’s like the end of the world party
And noones even having fun

We fucked up and now it’s time for us to do what is right

White people
We voted for racism
Well I didn’t, but I was still sorta surprised
I think only white people were surprised when racism won an election
It’s like we just realized racism is still here and it snuck up on us
Very sneaky

And then there’s the hypocrisy of seeing so much beauty in the art, music, and culture of a people but not being able to see the people themselves
That’s right… I used to have dreadlocks… for one day… luckily when I washed them they felted into a hat on my head and I had to cut them off… before I even knew what cultural appropriation was

And how’s this for hypocrisy
In this country for POC agriculture is usually slavery or migrant labor
But for white people fruit picking is a leisurely pastime that we pay for
And we all share the idyllic dream of reconnecting to nature
And farming in the country
Maybe because our memory of history is that supervising other people working hard was easy
Well it’s time to reap what we sow

And then there’s San Francisco
The city where we all act like we care about things like diversity but we don’t dare really deal with the reality in the hood when we could just live in the woods or better yet in the elite blip in the bubble of Marin where no poor person has ever been where their conscience is clean and even their trash trucks are eco and green but this paradise playground would be much more fun if it was accessible to everyone
And besides we only like a city once it’s gentrified
But despite the dispute on gentrification we all enjoy an exotic vacation
Oh the places we’ll go and the people we’ll meet and the turns we’ll take down shakedown street
And oh the hypocrisy we’ll see

We fucked up and now it’s time for us to do what is right

I don’t know where to go
Or what to do
Or who to even apologize to
And ask about redemption
Now for some awkward tension
When people show me my shitty ancestry and history I feel so guilty
Though I know it’s not about pity
And this isn’t about me
Though I must say that the only thing in this world worse than white guilt must be…
Not being white

It’s not time for forgetfulness or forgiveness
Until we fix this
And make it right

We fucked up and now it’s time for us to do what is right

So what can we do

Well unless someone like you cares a whole lot, nothing is gonna get better, it’s not

We can tell a new story

We can work towards a world of love, integrity, dignity and equality

We can be allies acting and speaking in solidarity and seeding sovereignty

We can talk, study, organize, teach… and listen more

We can vote for and support politicians, policies and businesses that are POC friendly

We can fight against systems of oppression, segregation and violence, like the injustice system and police brutality

We can donate land, energy and money

We could actually all legally sign our private land over to indigenous people or the public or whoever we want at the same time any time

Just sayin… if we all woke up at the same time we would win

The possibilities are infinite

We fucked up and now it’s time for us to do what is right

So let’s wake up from our deep sleep
And it will take a lot more than coffee

And I don’t mean to make light of things that are heavy
It’s just that sometimes we have to laugh at ourselves or we’ll cry
Or both at the same time
And I don’t mean to miss or dismiss the ways we fucked up that can’t be described without crying
I’m not trying to deny them
So for those unspeakable things let’s have a moment of silence

We fucked up
And now it’s time
To reunite with the divine inside and above
To speak up
In truth and love
Of peace, liberation and justice for all

So this is a song
For the truth that’s unspoken
But we feel it
So much is broken
How can we heal it
And what does it mean
To be broken pieces of the war machine
Turning in tic toc time
The burning fire rages
But behind the disguise are
Broken birds building broken cages
And dying canaries in the coal mine
But I know why the caged bird sings and cries
Let freedom ring and flags fly
For broken bodies under blood red skies
For broken spirits, hearts and minds
For broken truths lost behind lies
For our true word
In our divine birds
Begging to be free and fly
So rise
Oh phoenixes
From the ashes
Rise
Oh diamond hearts
Till the glass shatters
Rise
Oh humble human
You don’t get to choose whose life matters
Rise
Oh songbirds
Sing your song
Because silence is violence
And it’s gone on for too long
And they say what makes you a human being
Is the willingness to sing another one free

And lastly I truly am so sorry
For all the ways my ignorance has ever made anyone feel anything less
And thank you to those of you who have called me out of the white and into the light
I’ll keep writing rhymes until I get it right

#Thank you

Since I got back from Nepal, I have been thinking about something my friend said.

He said that God is knocking at the door, and you are in a burning building, and all you have to do is walk a little bit to help God open the door.

I then started thinking that most of the time there isn’t even fire there, just smoke and the fear of fire, and I thought the hard thing was knowing which way to walk.

Since I have been back, I have felt like I was in a burning building, and I have seen that it is so easy to know which way to walk…

You just walk towards kindness.

So someone’s gotta say it…

Fuck your false god
Who you use as an excuse for your devil
Who you use as an excuse to do evil
Who you use as an excuse to use the earth mother
Who you use to abuse your sisters and brothers
Fuck you who use your god to take away another’s
Fuck you who worship your god over your goddess lover
I’m sorry for you who seek a spiritual life
And can’t see that the key is simply doing what’s right
And the only truth is love
And it’s right in front of us
In the smiling eyes on the other side of the mirror
Can you hear her

# With liberty and justice for all

Do you find yourself dating a crazy woman? Don’t worry… chances are you’re causing her crazy… which means you can help change it.

Please don’t call anyone crazy. We need to reclaim this word. The word ‘crazy’ has a long history of being used to decry women and their feelings and heart centered femininity. The word ‘hysteria’ actually comes from the root word for uterus.

Here are some common causes of craziness in women:
– Possibly some poisons
– Possibly some pharmaceutical drugs
– Possibly recurring trauma, though it may actually be a reasonable response to go a little crazy in this case
– Other people’s stupidity

The point is that noone is crazy, so stop saying it. If you are attached to this word, consider an acceptable context, such as ‘That women is crazy amazing’ or ‘That article she wrote was crazy cool’.

So seriously, what is the cause of all conflict and crazy in this crazy world?

Call me crazy, but I think that it all comes from an abuse of power.

We all have power in this world. It can be power that is given to us or power that we give and take ourselves. It can be physical, psychological, or spiritual power. It can come in the form of race, sex, sexual identity, class, status, age, beauty, and health… or in the form of character, charisma, confidence, courage, coolness, conventionality, calmness, communicativeness, articulation, accomplishments, authenticity, altruism, awareness, intelligence, emotional intelligence, spirituality… and the list goes on. These things aren’t bad… and many of them are gifts… but the secret is in how you use your power. Do you use your power to help empower others or do you abuse your power to disempower others?

Power often becomes problematic when patronizing, manipulation and insinuation come into play. The abuse of power often leaves someone feeling very small and scared and confused. This can spark a cycle of psychological abuse.

In many professions in our society people are put in positions of power, which can be positive and isn’t necessarily negative. As a teacher and an adult, I try to take my power when I need it to teach my students and keep them safe and also hold space for my students to have their power. And of course there is a place for fierce love and lessons. It is a delicate dance. I also have seen people who seem to boost themselves up by putting other more vulnerable people down, like teachers who shame and blame children senselessly. This is clearly an abuse of power, and people can feel the difference.

I see this abuse of power in so many aspects of our society.

I see this within relationships, especially relationships backed by an unbalanced power system, such as relationships between men and women. This patriarchal society values the masculine over the feminine.

Have you ever been in an argument where you are completely coming from the heart and being emotional and the other person is coming from the head and being reasonable and rational and logical and calm, and even though the other person seems to make sense, you find yourself feeling so small and less and confused… and then they say you are acting crazy… and then they say that you should thank them for helping you… and then you want to rip off their face… and you have no idea what happened? Well this is what happened. There is nothing that makes us feel more crazy than when someone abuses their power to keep the power dynamic in their court, in a way that is condescending and creates a cycle of confusion. This can be hard to name and claim and therefore hard to seek support for.

This is an insidious sickness that seeps into every crack and chips away at our sense of self and self worth. It tends to cause conflict and resentment and revenge and some serious tire-slashing sorta shit. Even when I try to take the high road, sometimes resentment still comes back to haunt me. I seriously think this is the stuff wars are made of.

This can get even more complicated when other elements of emotional abuse come into play, but that’s another article for another day.

This can show up in many shapes and forms. There seems to be a fucked up phenomena here of magnetic ‘spiritual’ men who abuse their spiritual and psychological power. Beware and be aware of dating them. Firstly, do truly spiritual people even call themselves spiritual… or date? Secondly, yuck. I think that the key to living a spiritual life is simply to do what’s right and kind. And how many people have been convinced to try polyamory because of course we all want to be free and share… those things sound right… right?

I have stopped getting so swept away by the men who make my heart pound… and more by the men who make me feel at peace.

And I am always reminding myself that if I feel like I am losing myself and my truths, and my head and heart and gut aren’t in alignment, I need to use my feet and walk away.

It is helpful to find forgiveness, for you so you can be free from their control, and also for them so they can be free to be better.

It also has helped me to say ‘thank you’ to them… and then to say ‘adios’.

It can take time to heal and to tell a new story. There’s a reason it’s called a ‘cycle of abuse’. And while we are not responsible for what has happened to us, we are responsible to our healing.

Though remember that it is not your fault!

Of course we all have work to do, and there are always lessons to be learned, but I’m tired of learning things in the hardest, harshest way. I want to learn from wisdom, not from woe.

Of course in a way we can all be abusive and toxic at certain times and aspects of our lives, but I think the big difference between being an abuser or not is about whether or not we use the ways we have been hurt to continue the cycle of abuse or to change it and heal it in ourselves and thus in the world. Do we use the ways we have been hurt to hurt or to help others? Do we hear someone when they tell us we have hurt them? And the only thing worse than having to see how we have hurt someone is to not see it and continue to do it.

Of course if I wanted to pull spiritual rank over you all, I could say that in a way it is noone’s fault, and we are all victims, and we are all responsible for our feelings, and everything is meant to be… but that is the least helpful thing to say to someone who is grieving, as it mimics common abuse tactics and can leave them feeling more alone and ashamed and confused… and we are humans and not zen masters.

And of course there are many truths and many sides, but the highest truth is that we are all on the same side, and the highest honesty isn’t brutal… it makes us feel bigger, not smaller… it is resonant, not triggering… and it comes from the heart, not the ego.

So when I am wondering what the right thing to say or do is, I try to ask myself what is the most compassionate thing that can create the most connection… and the answer is never to call someone crazy… or make someone feel crazy… or to be the reason someone stops singing.

It is important that we all recognize the ways in which we have power and that we use our power to help lift each other up, speak up, and stand up for what is right.

Which takes me to the next post…

This is a love letter… to myself
Written from my wild heart beating hot
With tender fury

Dear man
Please understand
If I am too heavy for you to carry
I don’t need to be less of me
I need a man with bigger hands
Who knows how to hold me
Or knows when to fold

You told me a sad story
You showed me my shadows
And my reflection
And in your broken mirror
I saw myself as smaller
I saw myself as broken
And in your reflection
All you could see was your erection

So fuck you
For your funhouse mirror tricks
For feeding me your poison potion til I shrink
For fucking my brains out, if you will
Until I lost myself, lost my truth, lost my power
That’s one wonderland like pill

So fuck you
For burning me at the stake
For making me break
For fearing my love magic
For how long have men feared women and witches
It’s tragic

So fuck you
Girls can say ‘suck my dick’ too

So suck my dick…
To the patriarchy
If you can’t hear her crying for help
And see she’s dying for love
If you think she’s too much or not enough
If you like your women small
Then go fuck yourself… or don’t fuck at all

To all the women and witches of the world
Dark is the earth, and dark is the dwelling where the true word rests
You dwell in the depths of the stardust that made us
In the earth that cradles us
In her belly, in her heart
Beating hot, beating bright
You have the light
You are the sun, the one you’ve been waiting for
And you are the moon that can move the world
So please don’t let your pain shadow your life-giving light
Don’t let this pain make you small
When you are planting the tree of tomorrow
When you are dreaming a dream for us all
So, for you, a well sharpened knife to tear through so much darkness
Viva life!  Death to death!

#When women win, we all win

I am in Nepal…

Where patriarchy reigns and storms…

And still it is so easy to see the feminine motherly force that is really running the show… while singing, laughing and loving along the way.

And it is so easy to see that western ‘white’ women, with all of our power and privilege, are possibly the most personally disempowered people… and this is the source of so many problems in the world.

How did the divine source of life and love get diminished down to an empty shell?

There is an insidious sickness sweeping the world that is seeping into every crack it can… that is trying to reign over mother earth, mother ocean, and the divine feminine… and that is a parasite to her power. In a way we are a part of and perpetuating this sickness… and we also have the power to heal it in the world by healing it in ourselves.

I know this because I have been fighting this sickness my whole life. I was born into it. I saw straight through it as soon as I could see. I saw it in my own mother… and I tried to hide from it. I saw women carrying the wounds of the world in their womb… I saw them holding onto them like they were their children… I saw them told and sold so many old sad stories… and I saw the resulting sickness… and it made me sick.

I since have seen to the other side. I see my truest self as a divine, loving, caring, compassionate mother. I see this side of me heals all wounds. I see this side of me makes everything so easy.

Yet it is in constant conflict with a side of myself that makes everything so hard and hurtful. This side is so far from being in relationship with the source that it doesn’t know how to be in a relationship. It is so far from the source of love that it acts from a lack of and need for love rather than from an infinite, flowing, free source of love. It is so far from the source of light that it lurks in the shadows. It is so far from the source of power that it gives away its power. It is so far from the source of truth that it disguises itself in the lies it tells itself. It is so stuck in its untrue stories that it retells every version of them. It sells its soul, heart, mind and body to the lowest bidder. It is always fighting a losing battle. This other side that isn’t truly me is crazy. It is a certain sort of scattered craziness that is where the concept of a ‘crazy bitch’ comes from.

Usually the truest self and truest heart and truest love wins… but when it loses, I lose myself, and I get so lost in the darkness… and I am still finding my way and learning how to see.

Now I see clearly that the only cure for this sickness is unconditional love… and all the hate that we feel for ourselves and others and that calls ‘crazy bitches’ is cut from the same cloth as this sickness and spreads it. The only way out is to open ourselves up and fill ourselves up and overflow…. to love ourselves and each other and the mother… to start a new cycle of being love, being loved, and being lovers.

While in a way this is being done to us, we are also doing this to ourselves. If we embraced and embodied our power we would win… everyone would win. Everyone we may blame especially needs our love… because they are our really unruly children. And we are the fiercely loving force of mother ocean… and we have seen what happens to her when she is poisoned and polluted… she rises up and becomes more powerful than ever.

There is no other
Force stronger than the mother
The source of life and love for us all
There is no way this may be small
It all flows into the ocean
The divine feminine
It’s time for us to sink or swim
When women win
We all win
And just when we think the world is burning
And the earth is quaking
The tide is turning
And sleeping women are waking

#I apologize for the title of this post

I am in Nepal with Guru Aama, and for the first time I am feeling what it feels like to be mothered. The word aama means ‘mother’, and the word guru means ‘dispeller of darkness’.

This reminds me of something my midwifery teacher said. She said that every free birth she saw went the same way… with the mother kneeling on one knee, ready to bring the baby into the light, and the father hovering over her like an archangel ready to receive the light. The first love we ever feel is from our mother, who brings us into the light from the darkness. And it is the greatest gift.

Here I have many mothers, and I am surrounded by motherly love. Motherly love is fierce, from a fiery heart of tender fury. It is tough, because it is so true, and it sees you and believes in you so much that it will slap you in the face if you aren’t being true to yourself. This love knows no limits, it is infinite, like the ocean. And it is indeed unconditional love.

Iemanja is the spirit of mama ocean.

She has taken my life, and she has saved it.

I have felt her feminine force, and I have felt mine reflected from her.

She has shown me my truth and asked me to act as a voice of truth for others.

She only has tolerance for the highest truth. She strips and sheds everything else until she uncovers the truest essence. She holds us as she shows us our shadows. She shines stones into the smooth crystal inside. She turns sand into pearls. She turns trash into treasure. And she cradles and cherishes this beauty for eternity.

And truth is indeed love.

She is powerful
But power flows in many forms
Like a soft, sweet rose with thorns
Power oscillates
Ebbs and flows
Shifts and moves
And hides in the shadows
It is the light and the dark
The strength and the softness
The waves and the stillness of the sea
The flower and the tree
There is power in being the sun
And there is power in being the moon
And using the sun’s light to move the tides
There is power in being powerless
In stepping back and letting others shine
And being a witness to that
And I had thought the times I shut down my heart
Were a sign that I was being strong
But now I see
There is power in vulnerability
And in loving unconditionally

Her power can give you power too, but only if you surrender to it. Think of what happens to water when it stops flowing and is stagnant. In stuckness there is sickness and suffering. In surrender, things flow through us, and healing can happen.

In Nepal, whenever someone says the name of a god, everyone throws their hands up showing that they surrender. They say, ‘Here you don’t have to show us a gun to get us to surrender.’ Though this sort of surrender doesn’t come from fear but rather from fearlessness and faith. It comes from the willingness to swim in the ocean at night, to dive deep into the darkness of the unknown, and to adjust our eyes to learn how to see again.

When I have found myself at the mercy of the force of the ocean, if I tried to fight it I struggled, but if I surrendered to it and shifted with it I was safe.

Iamenja’s love is unconditional. Look what we are doing to her… we are poisoning her holy water… and yet she is winning. She is winning, because she is still flowing and showing and shining her light and love. And her love is more powerful and forceful and fierce than ever… because it has to be… because this mother is raising really unruly children.

And we are losing. We are losing our connection to mother ocean, to mother earth, to motherly love, and to the divine feminine.

And we are so lost. We are lost children in never never land. We are in the darkness.

And the only way out is to open our eyes and our hearts to see and receive the love that surrounds us… and surrender to it.

Last year I was reborn at the ocean. I don’t remember it, but I was told I fell off a forty foot cliff, from a rock that I said looked like a vagina. Apparently I didn’t scream or struggle at all, which I thought was strange, though now I see that I surrendered, which is probably what saved me.

I wrote this poem as a rebirthday gift.

We are born to be free
We come from the amniotic sea
We fill our lungs with the first breath we breathe
And when the water is winning
And the veil is thinning
And we can choose to live or die
We reach to the sky and start swimming
And I try to spread my wings and fly
But I know why the caged bird sings and cries
So let me be born again
Take me down to the ocean
Make me a bed of sand to lay in
I won’t drown when the tides come in
Or be dragged below by the undertow
To the deepest part
Where it is so dark
That when the fishes finally find each other
They latch on for dear life
And never let go
And don’t you know
That even the heaviest hearts float
In the deep blue ocean
In the deep blue sea
The tides come in
The waves carry me
And when it seems like the water is winning
I start swimming
I am dripping
Ripping off my skin
Naked in my skeleton
Like a snake shedding
Tears like medicine
Like a snake
In that limbo place
Between having skin and having faith
And my heart is so open
I’m afraid of what will come in
And what will escape
But I don’t want to be a bird in a cage
I don’t want to lie down
In the depths of the ocean
Can’t you see my hungry mouth
And my floating heart are open
So kiss me
Electricity
Kiss me
Restart my heart
Kiss me
Fill my lungs
Kiss me
Lift me up
Oh love
Let me in
Oh love
I want to swim
Oh love
I want to win
And as the waves come
And as the waves go
There is still hope
For all hearts that float
On the surface for all to see
And the only thing that can rescue me
Is to sing a song that sets me free
And rings so true
The song that I was made to sing
They say when sleeping women wake mountains move
So what does it take to make a new start
Brake my bones
Tear me apart
So I can see my true heart
From the inside
Slide
Am I dreaming
Or is this what I’ve been dreaming of
And do you know what freedom is
It’s love
It’s a slippery slope
She said
And flowers, like hope, are harvested

#Love is freedom