Do you find yourself dating a crazy woman? Don’t worry… chances are you’re causing her crazy… which means you can help change it.
Please don’t call anyone crazy. We need to reclaim this word. The word ‘crazy’ has a long history of being used to decry women and their feelings and heart centered femininity. The word ‘hysteria’ actually comes from the root word for uterus.
Here are some common causes of craziness in women:
– Possibly some poisons
– Possibly some pharmaceutical drugs
– Possibly recurring trauma, though it may actually be a reasonable response to go a little crazy in this case
– Other people’s stupidity
The point is that noone is crazy, so stop saying it. If you are attached to this word, consider an acceptable context, such as ‘That women is crazy amazing’ or ‘That article she wrote was crazy cool’.
So seriously, what is the cause of all conflict and crazy in this crazy world?
Call me crazy, but I think that it all comes from an abuse of power.
We all have power in this world. It can be power that is given to us or power that we give and take ourselves. It can be physical, psychological, or spiritual power. It can come in the form of race, sex, sexual identity, class, status, age, beauty, and health… or in the form of character, charisma, confidence, courage, coolness, conventionality, calmness, communicativeness, articulation, accomplishments, authenticity, altruism, awareness, intelligence, emotional intelligence, spirituality… and the list goes on. These things aren’t bad… and many of them are gifts… but the secret is in how you use your power. Do you use your power to help empower others or do you abuse your power to disempower others?
Power often becomes problematic when patronizing, manipulation and insinuation come into play. The abuse of power often leaves someone feeling very small and scared and confused. This can spark a cycle of psychological abuse.
In many professions in our society people are put in positions of power, which can be positive and isn’t necessarily negative. As a teacher and an adult, I try to take my power when I need it to teach my students and keep them safe and also hold space for my students to have their power. And of course there is a place for fierce love and lessons. It is a delicate dance. I also have seen people who seem to boost themselves up by putting other more vulnerable people down, like teachers who shame and blame children senselessly. This is clearly an abuse of power, and people can feel the difference.
I see this abuse of power in so many aspects of our society.
I see this within relationships, especially relationships backed by an unbalanced power system, such as relationships between men and women. This patriarchal society values the masculine over the feminine.
Have you ever been in an argument where you are completely coming from the heart and being emotional and the other person is coming from the head and being reasonable and rational and logical and calm, and even though the other person seems to make sense, you find yourself feeling so small and less and confused… and then they say you are acting crazy… and then they say that you should thank them for helping you… and then you want to rip off their face… and you have no idea what happened? Well this is what happened. There is nothing that makes us feel more crazy than when someone abuses their power to keep the power dynamic in their court, in a way that is condescending and creates a cycle of confusion. This can be hard to name and claim and therefore hard to seek support for.
This is an insidious sickness that seeps into every crack and chips away at our sense of self and self worth. It tends to cause conflict and resentment and revenge and some serious tire-slashing sorta shit. Even when I try to take the high road, sometimes resentment still comes back to haunt me. I seriously think this is the stuff wars are made of.
This can get even more complicated when other elements of emotional abuse come into play, but that’s another article for another day.
This can show up in many shapes and forms. There seems to be a fucked up phenomena here of magnetic ‘spiritual’ men who abuse their spiritual and psychological power. Beware and be aware of dating them. Firstly, do truly spiritual people even call themselves spiritual… or date? Secondly, yuck. I think that the key to living a spiritual life is simply to do what’s right and kind. And how many people have been convinced to try polyamory because of course we all want to be free and share… those things sound right… right?
I have stopped getting so swept away by the men who make my heart pound… and more by the men who make me feel at peace.
And I am always reminding myself that if I feel like I am losing myself and my truths, and my head and heart and gut aren’t in alignment, I need to use my feet and walk away.
It is helpful to find forgiveness, for you so you can be free from their control, and also for them so they can be free to be better.
It also has helped me to say ‘thank you’ to them… and then to say ‘adios’.
It can take time to heal and to tell a new story. There’s a reason it’s called a ‘cycle of abuse’. And while we are not responsible for what has happened to us, we are responsible to our healing.
Though remember that it is not your fault!
Of course we all have work to do, and there are always lessons to be learned, but I’m tired of learning things in the hardest, harshest way. I want to learn from wisdom, not from woe.
Of course in a way we can all be abusive and toxic at certain times and aspects of our lives, but I think the big difference between being an abuser or not is about whether or not we use the ways we have been hurt to continue the cycle of abuse or to change it and heal it in ourselves and thus in the world. Do we use the ways we have been hurt to hurt or to help others? Do we hear someone when they tell us we have hurt them? And the only thing worse than having to see how we have hurt someone is to not see it and continue to do it.
Of course if I wanted to pull spiritual rank over you all, I could say that in a way it is noone’s fault, and we are all victims, and we are all responsible for our feelings, and everything is meant to be… but that is the least helpful thing to say to someone who is grieving, as it mimics common abuse tactics and can leave them feeling more alone and ashamed and confused… and we are humans and not zen masters.
And of course there are many truths and many sides, but the highest truth is that we are all on the same side, and the highest honesty isn’t brutal… it makes us feel bigger, not smaller… it is resonant, not triggering… and it comes from the heart, not the ego.
So when I am wondering what the right thing to say or do is, I try to ask myself what is the most compassionate thing that can create the most connection… and the answer is never to call someone crazy… or make someone feel crazy… or to be the reason someone stops singing.
It is important that we all recognize the ways in which we have power and that we use our power to help lift each other up, speak up, and stand up for what is right.
Which takes me to the next post…
This is a love letter… to myself
Written from my wild heart beating hot
With tender fury
Dear man
Please understand
If I am too heavy for you to carry
I don’t need to be less of me
I need a man with bigger hands
Who knows how to hold me
Or knows when to fold
You told me a sad story
You showed me my shadows
And my reflection
And in your broken mirror
I saw myself as smaller
I saw myself as broken
And in your reflection
All you could see was your erection
So fuck you
For your funhouse mirror tricks
For feeding me your poison potion til I shrink
For fucking my brains out, if you will
Until I lost myself, lost my truth, lost my power
That’s one wonderland like pill
So fuck you
For burning me at the stake
For making me break
For fearing my love magic
For how long have men feared women and witches
It’s tragic
So fuck you
Girls can say ‘suck my dick’ too
So suck my dick…
To the patriarchy
If you can’t hear her crying for help
And see she’s dying for love
If you think she’s too much or not enough
If you like your women small
Then go fuck yourself… or don’t fuck at all
To all the women and witches of the world
Dark is the earth, and dark is the dwelling where the true word rests
You dwell in the depths of the stardust that made us
In the earth that cradles us
In her belly, in her heart
Beating hot, beating bright
You have the light
You are the sun, the one you’ve been waiting for
And you are the moon that can move the world
So please don’t let your pain shadow your life-giving light
Don’t let this pain make you small
When you are planting the tree of tomorrow
When you are dreaming a dream for us all
So, for you, a well sharpened knife to tear through so much darkness
Viva life! Death to death!
#When women win, we all win